Just when we were hoping for a break...

We got snow... and the power went out. All thoughts of being able to enjoy it went out the window. Yeah, it was beautiful, and if I could have sat on the porch with my cup of coffee and my blankie and stared at it, and then came back in and gotten warm, well, I'd have loved it more. As it was, the power was out for about 36 hours. Thank goodness our Friendly Neighbors have a propane fireplace. We took the birds and stayed over there Saturday night and yesterday until she and I went down the road and found us a power crew and got them to come fix us back up. Took them all of 5-10 minutes! And we were supposed to have been next on the list Saturday night just before 6, but they got called into town for supper and we somehow got lost in the shuffle before they called it quits around 10PM. ugh!

Anyway, today is back to normal... or as normal as we can be. Joe went to work for the first time in 3 weeks today. Don't know if he'll make a whole day or not, but he went on in at regular time. He's having some serious sides with this new chemo. It is T-totally breaking my heart. We are getting so upside down financially, we're about to have to file bankruptcy. Don't know what else to do. We'll have to get upright on our home equity loan... then just let the rest fly to the wind... Joe may have to file for SS Disability soon. I really don't know how we'll make it on what he'll get. I feel like a boob. I know everybody looks at me thinking I should be working, but between you, me and the doorknob, I've got some issues of my own going on... I'm thinking that maybe if I can get my proverbial "shit" together and get some of my crafting projects done, I may try to open an etsy account or something and sell my stuff there. Between my back, my head, and my wrist, I'm not having a lot of luck with anything nowadays. And worry about Joe is about to take me down to the mat.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again... He is my hero. Goes through so much and really rarely complains. Since he doesn't, I do it for him. We're both so tired... I don't know how much more of this either one of us can take. Physically, financially... we're both about done in.

It probably sounds ugly... and I've had people take me at my worst for saying things, but when we were in the hospital... and I was sitting there looking at Joe... all he was going through... I prayed that if it was his time, that God would just take him and end his suffering. Understand, I don't wish Joe dead. I love him so much, I don't want to go through life without him. But heaven help me, if it's only going to get worse and worse for him. I just can't stand it. It nearly killed me going through everything with Les. I sometimes really doubt myself about going through this with Joe. I think only someone who has walked in your shoes before ever knows exactly what's going on in your heart or mind, in any situation. In the case of quality vs quantity... I just don't know... If we could have more assurance that Joe was going to beat this thing... I'm just almost afraid this new treatment is going to kill him before the cancer would. It just breaks my heart to watch him... and it breaks his heart to have me watch him. He's all the time apologizing for putting me through this (again)... for putting us in dire straits financially... He just keeps on tho. At least with Les, we had a sort of an income while we were waiting for his disability to be approved... and when it was, given that the boys were young yet, I had a check, and they had checks which all gave us more to work with money-wise. Since it's just Joe and I... all we would get is his disability, which isn't much. Almost makes a body lean toward dishonestly... I could divorce him and get my VA benefits back... but even that would take a year (unless one of us wanted to claim the other had been stepping out... hahaha). Again... I'm thinking evil thoughts... Good thing beyond this earth we're not judged by a jury of our peers... God knows my heart tho... and my fears...

Anyway, just wanted to check in and let those who are interested know what's going on... which right now is not much of anything, but...

Now I have got to go write a letter or two, to people I'd rather not have to deal with, but do... Keep the prayers coming... they're needed now as much as ever. Hugs, (*"*)